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Mein Kramps
By Adolf Nostril

In order to form a more perfect union and establish domestic tranquility, I Adolf Nostril, seek to become Supreme Dictator of all Earth.

Naturally, once I become Supreme Dictator, there will be some changes in the way that things are done around here. In order to prepare the citizens of earth for domination by me, Adolf Nostril, WEIRDOTRONIX, Incorporated has agreed to publish this summary of new policies and pronouncements by the Supreme Dictator of Earth, me, Adolf Nostril.

This publication will be regularly updated as I try to figure out what-the-heck kind of rules I will have under my new world-wide dictatorship.

Five Ethnic Groups that Bug Me

  1. ESKIMOS:  Furry hats, igloos, chewing whale blubber; what's their problem anyhow?
  2. GERMAN TOURISTS IN CALIFORNIA:  Yah Hans, lets go to der beach wearing bermuda shorts, black socks und sandals, und lie in der sun until ve're red as lobsters. Yah Franz, then lets rent an expensive car und drive around the bad part of L.A. until ve are killed by car jackers.
  3. LAPLANDERS:  Don't these people realize that they're European? What's with those reindeer anyway?
  4. AUSTRALIAN BUSH MEN:  A bunch of lizard eating, digaradoo playing, walk- abouting, sun-bleached weirdos who seem way too happy.
  5. ROMANIANS:  I don't care how much they suffered under Cieaucescu, they all talk like vampires, dahlink!

Five More Ethnic Groups that Bug Me
  1. SCOTSMEN:  Anyone who would take an innocent, little dog, shave it, and then dress it up in a little plaid hat and shawl, should be taken out and shot.
  3. THE FRENCH:  No matter how bitchin' THEY think their food, art, and culture are, they eat snails.
  4. AZTECS:  It only took about 50 spanish guys with guns and pointy, steel hats, to bring the entire Aztec nation to its knees. And they had weird names like "Xmotolpxtoltepec".
  5. HILLBILLIES:  Will you just shut up already.

Five Things that I will make illegal

Its just a matter of time until I am elected dictator of earth. You know its coming, so just get ready.
  1. DOGS: They poop all over the place, and their barking always wakes me up when I'm trying to sleep in late with a hangover.
  2. CELL PHONES: I don't care how important you think you look with that thing shoved into your ear, hang up and look where you're going schveinhundt!
  3. UNDERWEAR: What's the point? As long as you do a good enough job of wiping your ass, you don't need them.
  4. USING MY FAVORITE MUSIC IN COMMERCIALS: The idiots who were responsible for using that old Buzzcocks tune in the car commercial, will be castrated, smeared with pancake syrup, and then buried up to their necks in a fire-ant mound.
  5. CIGARS: I know that you think it makes you look like some worldly, well- travelled business man, but those things smell like old socks. Rush Limbaugh will be forced to shove a dozen stogies up his ass, and will then be sent to the LSD concentration camp for "re-education".

CHE GUEVARA LIVES!!! (and Abraham Lincoln too)

Yes, Che Guevara lives in a comfortable town home near San Clemente, California. I know Che, he's a great guy, a terrific harmonica player, and we often play golf together, he always shoots under par. Sometimes Abraham Lincoln and Alice Cooper join us, but not that awful Jimi Hendrix, he smells too bad and won't stop talking about guitars.

feel the fear A lot of people think Che is dead, but he actually faked his death so he could leave his career as a rebel leader, and enter the lucrative world of show biz. Che has had impressive success as an actor and advertising model, he appeared in cameo roles in many grade B movies throughout the 50's and 60s, and he was also the model for the Zig Zag man.

A lot of people think Abraham Lincoln is dead too, but he also faked his death. You see, the international conspiracy of Free-Masons had found out that Abe had discovered the secret of eternal life. Master Free-Mason secret Agent, John Wilkes Booth, had been sent to "neutralize" Lincoln, but Honest Abe had been tipped off by his older brother, Smitty.

Abe was relaxing, watching a play at Ford's Theatre, when he heard the click of a revolver being cocked behind his back. With jaguar-like reflexes, Abe executed a perfect, triple reverse, ninja back-flip and knocked the gun out of Boothe's hand. Boothe swung wildly, trying to nail Honest Abe with a right hook and a left jab. But Abe ducked, and split agent Boothe's skull open with a super-kung fu, hyper karate chop.

Lincoln knew that even though Boothe was dead, the Free-Masons would just send another agent when they found out that the president was still alive. So they substituted a dead civil war soldier for the president, and Lincoln shaved off his beard, ditched the big hat, and moved to California. Today, Lincoln is over 250 years old, and enjoys playing shuffle board and golf at Leisure World, the gated retirement community where he now lives.

More later about Abraham Lincoln and the secret of eternal life.

To Be Continued ...


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© Copyright 1999, Scott Mitchell